Personal

After a really rough 6 months in Germany trying to finish the last semester of foundation I finally reached Oman to spend the holidays for 2 months. In them I have written the total of 11 Finals, and one final for speaking. I have gone through 3 phases of examination in 6 months, these were the worst days of my life, they were busy, full of hard work and dedication. I have cried so much during them and have lost hope on my future, I have developed depression, my face turned worse, my hair started to fall, my weight hasn’t changed and my emotional status wasn’t stable.

I have spent 3 semesters on my foundation, and I haven’t gone through such hard times in my whole life, I counted days until I finish the last finals, days until my marks, and days until I reach Oman. The amount of emotions and happiness that I had after learning that I scored a 1 in my Literature exam and receiving my certificate was indescribable,  I told myself it can’t get any worse.

I am currently in my hometown, still under pressure, even though I’m between my family, I have forgotten how it felt like to be home, to fight with the siblings, to do housework for a big house and 6 people, to try to hold tears and be a tough yet loving older sister. I can hold this until a certain time though, and I am scared of when that time will come.

I will be leaving in a month and 5 days, to go back to my old routine, this time waiting for the university to open its doors, I decided to spend that time doing things that I like, learn swimming, go to the Opera, visit other countries, still attend my guitar lessons, go back home for 2 weeks or so, I said it can’t get any worse, but I have a feeling it might.

The worst thing in life is to know you might not be good enough, to not have your future planned for you, to always be in constant fear of the unknown, this little self esteem that I have in my skills and powers shall not fade away, If others did it, I can do it too…

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Guide me

When I was a child I owned a golden necklace of a ship wheel, I wore it all the time and never took it off.

I can’t recall when exactly, but I don’t have the necklace anymore. When I lost it, I lost the steering wheel to my life

Somehow I feel a strong connection between me and the sea, all my childhood I remember being next to the beach, playing in the water, watching sunset, hearing the waves, screaming and running from crabs.

Although I do not like seafood, and I can’t even swim. 

That wheel was of a special meaning to my heart, I didn’t understand it when I was young, but it is an object of control that of another object against nature, a small, but powerful piece that could save your life. People tend to be more attracted to anchors, but anchors only stop you, they only leave you in one place.

I don’t need to stop in my life.

Facts

•  Call me Ron, it is only missing 2 more characters to be completed, I hate to explain the meaning behind my name
• Writing is the only thing I like to believe I am good at. I would do anything to be able to have a living out of writing, I would live my whole life writing and I still wouldn’t be satisfied
• I know I can reach for the stars, I am just too lazy
• I love dusty old books, I love them more than brand new ones, I love the yellow papers and hard to read lines. I tend to not finish the books I start reading, and then re read it all at one time
• If I were in another life, I would rather be a gypsy, a pirate or a male writer of the 18th century
• I have no favorite genre, singer or band. I only have favorite songs, and an endless love and appreciation for Emilie Autumn, the 69 eyes and Apocalyptica
• I love dresses, combat boots, skirts, tank tops and pj’s
• When I have nothing to do I play video games
• If I could, I would work as a bartender or a florist
• I love fast cars and would love to be a street racer. But I have a phobia of high speed and accidents, heights, tight places, and insects
• I believe in the horoscope and love crystals to death, I also love skulls and cats, not cat skulls though.
• If I could get tattoos, I would never stop
• I want to be a figure skater, but I am also scared that I would end up cutting my fingers with the shoe blade, or my nose, or my head, or something
• I have a big fear of water, I can be in the ocean, but not swimming pools, and I intend to take swimming lessons as a 2014 year resolution
• I love churches, cemeteries and horror movies. I also love status of angels and demons, whatever it is you want to read as
• I still think Germans are scary
• I am a failure at applying makeup and making my hair look extra pretty, although I have to admit, I am pretty good at painting my fingernails…
• I want to learn to play the Cello
• If I could express myself with something other than writing, it would be painting
• I have troubles expressing my opinion and having relationships with others, I tend to feel intimidated, and I hate to admit this…
• On a scale from 1-10, I am a level 9000 sensitive person.
• If someone pissed me off, I would attack them, hit them, break a bone or two of theirs, teach them how to never be able to look me in the eye again. All that while crying and screaming
• I could be stuck in a real life Fatal frame game, and I would get out alive and happy
• I hate people who judge others because they smoke/get tattoos/get piercings/love a person from the same sex
• I love candles
• I love myself, finally

Myself

I am the wood, small,

thorny.

Stacked up together between others of my kind

in a chimney.

Waiting to be lit on fire

and burn, and burn

and burn myself

and burn you with me.

To impress

My love,

the only successful writers,

are those of the melancholy; 

because no one wants to read

how happy another one is.

Confessions

Tags

personal

[ I am 20

I live alone, I am strong

I take good care of myself

But I still need to cry between my mother’s arms.

In 9 months,

I will be 21, I could go to Vegas

and spend all my money there

But I still would go back home one day

and cry between my mother’s arms ]

 

I am 20 and I still wet my pillow with tears at night, alone with no one to hug, wake up the next day, wash my face and repeat how stupid I am while trying to hide my puffy eyes with makeup, tie my hair up, grab my bag and leave the house.

Fix this

Tags

bullying, personal

[ The fatality about getting bullied

is that the bullied are afraid to tell their parents

because their parents will only think that

it is only natural

‘ you will grow out of it ‘, ‘ it’s normal ‘, ‘ well fight back will ya? ‘

Well,

I fought back, but only with myself. They fought me, and thus destroyed the little tiny ball of heart I had growing inside of me, the ball I like to call self esteem and self appreciation.

It was growing, and when you kill that small thing

it can never grow back… ]

 

Stop bullying. Talk to your kids or little brothers and sisters, see what is wrong, why do they refuse to go out, why do they refuse to go to school, why do they refuse to sit with you!

Act! Do something! Speak to the principle, call the bullies parents, stop it before it spreads like cancer inside your child’s heart and snatches the little growing thing inside of them

It only takes a word to kill a soul

5 vs 5

I think I can get out of my comfort zone for a bit and talk about the things that really annoy me about people

I am known to be a very peaceful person, I doubt anyone who knows me could count the times I fought with them, or if I said a rude comment – either online or in real life – and I normally do let most of the things slip away, but there are boundaries – and moments where I just can’t take shit anymore – that tend to be broken at certain points.

1- Rude comments\comebacks:

I have one big rule in my life, if you don’t REALLY know me ( we talk rarely, very often, only comment on each other’s pictures ) don’t you dare speak to me as one of your closest friends, that means calling me names, trying to act rude towards me and so on. That is probably one of the main things that make me get really pissed off at someone. I do not answer rude at you nor talk in a bad tone when you are around, so don’t speak to me as if I am one of your littlebitches thinking that it’s all cool and I will laugh about it. No, I won’t. It will just make me angry and probably talk shit back at you.

2- Show offs\people who like to speak about themselves:

If you really know me you would know that I not once have talked about how pretty my hair is, how good my grades are, how perfect of a person I am. I don’t talk about myself because no one likes a show off! You can ask me and I will gladly answer! But if you come up to me and say things like ( my English is sooo perfect like everyone keeps asking me like where did I like learn it like…\ do you see this dress? I bought it for like 5093408 mollars -just made that up- and people just can’t stop asking me about it god! \ My hair is so messy urgh I hate it * while hair is perfectly set up, blow dried and shiny*. I do not give a flying fuck how perfect you are, because let me tell you one thing…speaking like that about yourself just makes you lose all the points you have.

3- Attention seekers:

If I encounter one of these, let me be clear…we are never ever ever getting back together. If you want attention, go seek it from someone else, don’t come nagging to me talking about how good your shit is *go read #2 again* because that just doesn’t work with me.

Also, girls, stop acting\laughing\winking\giggling differently around guys just to get their attention, it doesn’t just make you look bad, it makes me look bad as well for standing next to you or even knowing you.

4- Wannabees & Swag burglars:

I am a person of my own kind, so are you. Stop trying to do the things I do or the things other people do just because it makes you look more cool or more hip. Nothing is more annoying than someone who wants to steal your own lifestyle or rhythm swaggy.

5-  Shit talkers:

Another lovely word for bullshit talkers. If you don’t know me don’t judge me, if you want to get to know me, I am more than happy to tell you the things you want to know, even though let me tell you…you are not losing anything if you don’t want to speak to me.

Now, to let that to the side, allow me to explain the 5 things I really appreciate in a person! Shall we?

1- Respect

All the good things start with the letter R! Roller skates, Roses and Respect! What you give me you receive, I treat everyone with respect ( sometimes more respect than they deserve ) and that is exactly what I expect in return. Treat me kindly, be polite to me, don’t raise your voice, smile, be gentle, know your limits, and trust me I shall do the exact thing to you and even more. Respect is always the thing that makes or breaks my relationship with people

2- High tolerance

I am the kind of person who gets angry quickly and gets effected by the negative energy caused by the people around her. The solution to number one is either A- do not piss me off, or B- don’t fuel me. To fix number 2 is A- do not show me that you are upset and shut up about it, instead speak to me, let me try and help you. I think it is hard for people not to show that they are upset\off mood, but I tend to expect high things from them because I try not to show that I am off mood so that I won’t annoy those around me.

3- Friends in need, friends indeed

Help me when I need help, even a small word or a smile, a tap on the shoulder or a hug could fix my day and make me feel better sometimes

4- People who tend to open up my eyes

I have a couple of friends like that, people who tend to show me what is wrong and what is right, friends who take my hands, slap me in the face not literally and tell me that that person is a hoe and I should stop being around them. I appreciate these people

5- Jealous bunnies

I call them that because bunnies are cute, and bunnies don’t get jealous. Which means these people do not get jealous. I know it can be hard not to like something that another person have, but show me genuinely that you are happy for me, and I will seriously love you

Take this as a reference, as a golden earring and wear it all them time when you meet me or talk to me, to avoid any unwanted attention…

نحن عرب

 

جمـيل جدآ، كلامك صحيح

…العرب كانوا، وكانوا وكانوا

والآن اصبحنا نردد ( طيب ما عملتها يعملها غيري شو فيها ) أو ( مش لازم مره ثانيه ) كثيرا

وعندما نسأل عن ما قدمنا تكون الإجابه دوما ( ما بعرف ) ونبدأ في العبث بهاتفنا 

نحن نتطلع إلى مستقبل ليس على أرضنا وترابنا، بل على الجهة الأخرى من العالم

ونلقي اللوم دائما على ماضينا، ونعطي الأمانة إلى احفادنا

أمانة ترديد نفس العبارة ( ما بعرف ) و ( يعملها غيري ) و ( كان! وأمريكا …) هكذا عرب